the descendants of Sputnik [/I'd lost that precious flame.]

***

"

All over again I understood how important, how irreplaceable, Sumire was to me.  In her own special way she'd kept me tethered to the world.  As I talked to her and read her stories, my mind quietly expanded, and I could see things I'd never seen before.  Without even trying, we grew close.  Like a pair of young lovers undressing in front of each other, Sumire and I exposed our hearts to each other, an experience I'd never have with anyone else, anywhere.  We cherished what we had together, though we never put into words how very precious it was.

Of course it hurt that we could never love each other in a physical way. We would have been far more happy if we had.  But that was like the tides, the change of seasons - something immutable, an immovable destiny we could never alter.  No matter how cleverly we might shelter it, our delicate friendship wasn't going to last forever.  We were bound to reach a dead end.  That was painfully clear.

I loved Sumire more than anyone else and wanted her more than anything in the world.  And I couldn't just shelve those feelings, for there was nothing to take their place.

I dreamed that someday there'd be a sudden, major transformation.  Even if the chances of it coming true were slim, I could dream about it, couldn't I?  But I knew it would never come true.

Like the tide receding, the shoreline washed clean, with Sumire gone I was left in a distorted, empty world.  A gloomy, cold world in which what she and I had had would never ever take place again.

We each have a special something we can get only at a special time of our life.  Like a small flame.  A careful, fortunate few cherish that flame, nurture it, hold it as a torch to light their way.  But once that flame goes out, it's gone forever.  What I'd lost was not just Sumire.

"

 [Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart]

you know, our hearts beat time out very slowly.

you know, our hearts beat time

they're waiting for something that'll never arrive

&, i'd lost that precious flame.

***